Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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