Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
