Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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