i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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