The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
