I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
