Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
