Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
