Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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