Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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