Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
