I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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