i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
