Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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