just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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