is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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