i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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