I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
