Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
