I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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