i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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