why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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