I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
