the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
