The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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