how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize