Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
