Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize