Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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