she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
