I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize