I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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