wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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