I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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