What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
