i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
