btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
