Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
