Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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