We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
