dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
