God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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