I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
