You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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