Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
