Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
