I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
