The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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