ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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