Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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