Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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