i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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