I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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