My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
