need another drink. this is the easiest way
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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