i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
