Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
