He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
