I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
