I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
