also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
