# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
